A Natural Reaction

One of the best things my counsellor told me in our early sessions was that my emotions, behaviours, feelings and reactions were perfectly normal given what I had gone through.

This was a real eye opener for me – a comforting arm around my shoulders at a time when I’d been berating myself for being weak, being a failure, for slipping back, for being unable to cope.

I was reminded of this again in a recent session when my counsellor pointed out that people can struggle when dealing with a single life-changing event, such as:

Losing a job
Looking for a new job
Selling a house
Moving house
Dealing with anniversaries of bereavements
Managing a long-term condition

I was trying to deal with all the above at the same time so in hindsight it was no wonder I was feeling overwhelmed and a bit hopeless.

Worrying and stress are a perfectly natural reaction to life’s difficulties.

If you also have an underlying health condition it is also perfectly understandable that these life stresses may exacerbate that condition and leave you needing to take some time for yourself.

For me, it was a timely reminder not to compare myself to those around me. They may be having a different experience; they may have different coping strategies; they may be less sensitive than me; they may not have my health issues.

Instead I was reminded to look within myself and take stock of what was happening to me, what I was dealing with and how far I’d already come.

I was reacting in a perfectly natural and normal way; I wasn’t a failure. Be gentle with myself – I’m still doing fine.

Top 20 dinnerladies Quotes

I’ve been a bit down recently. Time of year, anniversaries of losses, job rejections, the list goes on.

I’ve stopped beating myself up trying to fully understand the whys and wherefores for every mood swing but instead try to motivate myself to do things that might help alleviate the mood’s severity or duration.

My latest tactic has been binge-watching the comedy gold that is Victoria Wood’s Dinnerladies – The Complete First Series [DVD] [1998].

There’s nothing like a genuine laugh out loud sitcom to brighten the gloom.

Here’s my top 20 quotes from series 1.

20. Episode 6: Night shift

Dolly – Who did this gravy?

Bren – Stan.

Dolly – Men can’t whisk. It’s the testosterone.

19. Episode 4: Moods

Twinkle – He’d done us a frozen pizza. He’d just taken it out the oven and, you know.

Bren – Did he use protection?

Twinkle – Oven mitts.

18. Episode 5: Party

Tony – Saw your mum doing the hokey cokey with Mr Tashimoto, Bren. Quite hard to do to Mull of Kintyre.

17. Episode 4: Moods

Dolly – I’ve worked on my pelvic floor. Jean’s moreorless let hers dangle.

16. Episode 5: Party

Petula – Has she told you what a terrible mother I am? Put her in an orphanage and lost the address!

15. Episode 6: Night shift

Bren – What did I get him? Mints, a big bar of chocolate and a magazine.

Dolly – Is that pornography? Why not a nice hobby magazine?

Bren – Well, that is his hobby really.

14. Episode 2: Royals

Duke – Do you know what you absolutely cannot get in the Caribbean for love nor money?… You could offer them the weight of your left testicle in sterling silver and still they couldn’t oblige. I’ll tell you, a bacon sandwich. The bacon in the Caribbean is indescribable.

Bren – Why? Is it not crispy?

Duke – Crispy? The thigh of a pensioned-off lollipop lady would have more bite to it.

13. Episode 4: Moods

Jean – I was not gawping. I just suddenly thought I’d got my pants on the wrong way round. The label seemed be digging in on the opposite leg.

Tony – Shall I check, Jean?

Jean – So I put my hand down, it was a bran flake.

12. Episode 4: Moods

Tony – Dead, and never seen Bren’s bosoms. If I’d been dying, would you have shown them to me?

Bren – I might have.

Tony – Do you want to get one out now as a deposit?

11. Episode 5: Party

Petula – The trouble with shoplifting, you can’t try things on. Shall we go, Stan?

Bren – That’s Tony!

Petula – Do excuse me, I man a helpline at midnight.

10. Episode 6: Night shift

Dolly – We had to practice writing when I was at school. The little boy next door can only write his name in macaroni. How’s he going to move onto joined up writing?

Bren – He’ll have to have a pencil case long enough to hold spaghetti.

9. Episode 4: Moods

Jane – Hi Tony, can I have 12 rounds of white?

Tony – You can have a bottle of wine and a night of hot sex if you’d rather.

Jane – I can’t, I’ve got cystitis. I can’t have a drink til Thursday.

8. Episode 3: Scandal

Sheila – I’ve got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Bren – Boiling water?

7. Episode 2: Royals

Tony – Dolly, they’re coming to cop a load of shepherd’s pie. Where does weight come into it?

Dolly – I retain water. Do you want me to bloat up?

Tony – I’m easy.

Dolly – You’re lucky, men don’t swell up without warning.

Tony – No, we get some warning I suppose.

6. Episode 1: Monday

Philippa – They think now that pressure at work can affect your sex life. They did a questionnaire – “Are you too busy to have an orgasm?”

Jean – Orgasm! I haven’t blown my nose since Wednesday.

5. Episode 3: Scandal

Jean – It’s a load of codswash, dieting. All that misery for what? You could fall under a bus tomorrow.

Dolly – I could. You wouldn’t fit under a bus, it would have to be jacked up.

4. Episode 1: Monday

Tony – Did you get any?

Bren – Any sex? No, I had to go to the laundrette.

3. Episode 1: Monday

Tony – What’s that?

Jean – That? That’s a padded balcony.

Tony – And is this for anything?…

Jean – I have to organise my daughter’s wedding.

Tony – I knew that.

Jean – And obviously go to it…So I have to have a new bra.

Tony – No, 4 faults for a refusal. He’s turning round, he’s having another go. Why, Jean? Who’s going to see it?

Jean – Nobody’s going to see it.

Tony – Take me home, Bren. Show me how a woman’s mind works. And what is that!?

Jean – That’s the DD strapless push-up.

Tony– No, I’m going to have to go and sit down and order some brown sauce.

2. Episode 4: Moods

Tony – All a bloke really wants for Christmas is a voucher that says “Take this to 32 Sycamore Avenue. Mrs Janet Farnsbarnes will be stark naked waiting for you. You can have as long as you like, you get a cup of tea afterwards and you don’t have to have a bloody conversation.”

1. Episode 4: Moods

Tony – I’m standing a good chance of getting to be a dirty old man… So when you’re in your old folks home, plonked on your commode in front of the telly, I’ll come and flash at you through the window.

Bren – Tap on it first, make sure I’ve got my specs on.

What’s In A Number?

Sadly, I don’t find it surprising that so many of us experience mental health issues caused by feelings of failure, low self esteem, etc. regarding our physical health.

We are surrounded by numbers, scales, recommendations, guidelines and ideals covering all aspects of our physical health, from Body Mass Index to minutes of exercise a week.

What Is Healthy?

The definition created by the World Health Organisation back in 1948 is still used today:

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

There is no mention of any numbers in this definition. And yet we are bombarded with numbers as a means of measuring and assessing our health.

A very quick peruse of the NHS website threw up 10 sets of numbers put forward as guidelines for various aspects of healthy living:

18.5 to 24.9 – ‘Normal’ BMI range

90/60 to 120/80 – ‘Normal’ blood pressure range

2000 / 2500 calories – recommended daily calorie intake for women / men

6 to 8 glasses – recommended daily non-alcoholic fluid intake

150 minutes – minimum recommended weekly moderate aerobic activity level

30g – minimum recommended daily fibre intake

6g – maximum recommended daily salt intake

2 – minimum recommended weekly fish portions

5 – minimum recommended daily fruit and veg intake

20g / 30g – maximum recommended daily saturated fat intake for women / men

The Problem With Numbers

Guidelines are all well and good, but such numbers take no account of personal circumstances, individual body shapes, other health information/diagnoses, etc.

It’s easy to see how some people can get obsessed with matching or beating these numbers, and how anxiety can set in if we think we are failing to meet these numbers.

I am a firm believer that one of the best indicators of health is how we feel.

I know I need to lose weight, not because I am far outside the ‘Normal’ BMI range but because I can feel the effects of carrying my excess weight on my body.

I know I need to increase my activity level, not because I currently don’t get anywhere near the recommended weekly figure of 150 minutes but because I can feel the effects of my inactivity on my body.

I am not concerned about losing enough weight to bring me into the ‘Normal’ BMI range. Nor am I focused on increasing my activity levels to 150 minutes per week.

I haven’t set a target weight or activity level. Instead I am going to lose weight until I am comfortable with my shape and size. I am going to increase my activity levels until I feel fit and healthy.

My target isn’t a number but a feeling – to regain a quality of life I am happy with.

As a measure of overall health, therefore, I would suggest we don’t get too bogged down in how well we match up to numbers and instead focus on how we feel in ourselves.

Be Proud

A recent bad day reminded me the power of recognising the little achievements. After all, those little things add up.

Little by little, a little becomes a lot
Tanzanian proverb

It would have been very easy to stay in bed, wallowing in whatever misery was jostling to be at the forefront of my awareness.

But I didn’t.

I allowed myself to lie in bed for an hour or so but, when it became clear that I wasn’t going to drift off into blissful, mind-numbing sleep, I got up.

I actually made the conscious decision to get out of bed.

That alone is worthy of a pat on the back and hearty “well done”, so if that is your success for today you should be proud of yourself.

But I didn’t stop there.

I got washed and dressed.

Now, simple as that sounds, performing these basic but hugely beneficial daily self-care routines is often a mountain too high to climb when we are buried within the energy-sapping black cloud of depression.

I settled myself on the sofa still lost in the tempest of emotion, numbness, grumpiness, anger, lethargy…

Not long ago I would have stayed there growing angrier at the monotonous ticking of time passing around me.

But not that day.

I recognised the need to break out of this vicious cycle. I knew I didn’t want company, but I also recognised that I needed company.

I wasn’t with my (very understanding) friend long – though I did last longer than I anticipated I would. I didn’t say much and I was probably radiating grumpiness. But he made some simple conversation, allowed me to sit in silence, didn’t question my mood and didn’t expect anything from me.

By the time I was half way home again I was feeling a bit better. Not sunshine and rainbows I admit, but a paler shade of grey.

A bad morning did not become a bad day.

A bad day did not become a bad week.

All because of the few little things I achieved – the conscious choices I made to support myself.

And the fact that I can recognise these small successes is another achievement.

What Is Depression?

I have friends and family who admit they cannot understand depression, and I must admit to being rather envious of them as they probably have a different mental make-up to me – one that is less susceptible to pressure, stress and emotion. But I have always found it difficult to verbalise how depression feels to me.

Depression. The big D. Happy’s grey and spiky sister.
Fearne Cotton

In her beautifully honest (and beautifully illustrated) book Happy: Finding joy in every day and letting go of perfect, Fearne Cotton explains that depression has “many faces and can creep in at any speed.”

Fearne says “all I knew was that I was walking through this thick mud that was making every step exhausting and debilitating… stuck in a really shitty place, imprisoned in this thick fog with no way out.”

Winston Churchill called his depression “the black dog”. Fearne’s Mum calls hers “the black pit”, as for her it feels like “being in a dark hole unable to pull yourself out of it.”

It feels like I’m stuck under a huge grey-black cloud. It’s dark and isolating, smothering me at every opportunity.
www.mind.org.uk

Robert Duff, who has written the very readable, plain-speaking Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression, refers to a “depressive monster that has crept in like a black cloud raining over all my thoughts and feelings.”

I can relate to all these descriptions, as I have experienced both the slow descent and sudden downward spiral into Hell, the complete inability to perform the most basic of tasks, the thick cold fog suffocating any hope of a brighter future.

One of my favourite analogies is equating my mind to a box of jigsaw pieces. The pieces are usually all in the box but not necessarily in the right place or the right way up. With depression it is like someone has thrown the box on the floor, scattering all the pieces, so the picture is broken and makes no sense at all.

Sometimes I manage to scoop the pieces back into their box quite quickly, minimising depression’s impact on day-to-day life, but this quick fix inevitably doesn’t last long before the box is dropped again.

This time I am sorting through the pieces, laying them all out, turning them all the right way up and putting the jigsaw together so the picture becomes clear.

Considered like this, I can understand why it is taking some time – after all, who can complete a 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle in a few days, especially when they don’t have a reference picture? But the sense of achievement, even after just a small section of the puzzle is put together, is so gratifying.

Hopefully the outcome will be a mind that is in one cohesive piece and is less likely to be dropped in future!

The Journey Begins…

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter.
Izaak Walton

I spent quite a lot of 2018 wishing the outside world would just go away and leave me alone – so what better way to re-engage than with a blog to bare my soul and house the random musings of my frequently befuddled mind?

I think it’s safe to say that my life hasn’t turned out quite how I would have liked! I can summarise my current status in a few numbers:

Age (in years)	34
Spouse	0
Children	0
Job	0
Working days in 2018 spent off sick (percent)	98
Weight (in pounds)	254
Body mass index (BMI)	40
Dress size	20/22

Needless to say, I feel judged and constrained by many of these numbers (by myself and by others), and I would rather some of these numbers were higher and others lower.

I am the first to admit that I have no desire to conform to society expectations of size, shape, lifestyle, etc., but I would like to feel comfortable in my own skin, be at peace with my life, and be physically and mentally able to embrace things I enjoy, rather than being categorised by numbers and governed by depression and anxiety.

Yep, the reason for all those sick days (and ultimately being made redundant) is depression and anxiety.

So I hope you won’t mind if I try to make sense here of the tangle of threads, thoughts and worries that churn in my mind. And if my haphazard mind dumps can help anyone else along the way I will be thrilled.

Wish me luck!